Happy Now

    
      For so long I used to feel like I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was incapable of being normal. When things went wrong, I always felt like I was the issue. Being caught up in my past life was destroying everything about me and everything I had. It took someone important to me, almost walking away forever to wake me up from my own hell. Before I used to apologize for my actions and pretend that I was fixing it, when in reality I wasn't. I was in denial of what my issues really were. When I woke up, I confessed to myself that I really did have problems I needed to fix, not just for a short amount of time, but permanently. It wasn't easy. I had to teach myself how to live in the present, how to see when problems exist, talk about them and try to fix them instead of bottling them up until every built up emotion I had exploded and caused some big catastrophe that was almost non-repairable. For once I feel normal again. I feel like weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Sure every now and then I have to remind myself not to go back to my old ways of dealing with issues. I am happy. The word "Happy" is something you would have never heard me say a few months ago. For years I was unhappy with everything and always such a negative person. Things have changed for the better. I was fortunate enough to have some who stood by my side, and still does, while I grew into being a new and positive person. If that isn't love, than I don't know what is. I am truly lucky and thankful to have this person in my life. I am also thankful for this new chance for a new life. I can only hope life keeps moving forward in a positive way from here on out.

It can only go so far

    The word "love" can only go so far. You will never really have a person's heart until they show you they are willing to sacrifice certain things to keep you happy. By this I don't mean small things like video games or anything harmless. I am speaking of the things that feel wrong. I am aware that everyone has a different mentality of what things are wrong to do and what things that are not. But what if those certain things affect the other person? Are you willing to give them up so the other person believes you really love them or so they feel like they can trust you? Or do you think it is wrong for someone to want you to forget about those things so much that you would risk losing it all to keep those privileges? If you really love someone, you would do anything to get past your selfish desires to keep them content. But if you can't, then maybe you really don't love that person. Sometimes the definition or caring is just to far away from the definition of loving. It is a dangerous thing because it is easy to sense. Love can only go so far.

Unforgivable

   

    Everyone makes mistakes....if you didn't than you wouldn't be human. Some mistakes can be forgiven and some mistakes are so dark that they are unforgivable and hard to forget. Those types of mistakes are the kind that make you angry, hurt, and feel so disappointed in humanity. You try so hard to get past those mistakes, but somehow they just never seem to go away. You feel guilty for feeling and acting out the way you do because of them, but at the same time you feel like you have every right to be the way you are.

     The worst people who can make mistakes are the one's that pretend they have never made a mistake in their life. They are the ones who can go on without a care and act like nothing ever happened. You wonder how it is even possible for a person to be in so much denial that they are lying to themselves. You wonder how they can walk this earth day after day with all of their burdens weighing down on their shoulders. How can living in a lie be so much better than living in a reality?

     Some people will never wake up from their lies...and some people will never see their mistakes..even if it means they end up losing everything in their life and end up alone forever. I pity those types of people. They will never know what it is like to own up to what they have done, and they will never earn back the respect they want from the people around them.

If only they would listen

Sometimes I wish I could round up everyone that has affected me in some way, put them in a room and make them listen to what I have to say. I would call them all out on their bullshit and make them see what their actions and words can do to a person. I know that is only something I can dream about, cause in reality it would never happen. Even if it could happen, my words probably wouldn't matter to the people I am speaking to. They didn't care before, so why should they now? It saddens me that people in this world can roam around, do as they please, and not have a care about having some kind of influence on the people around them. I guess all I have left to hope for is that karma will remember those people and that they will one day experience the feelings and thoughts I have. I would never wish bad on anyone, but I feel it is only fair that they be treated the same way as they treated me. They were the ones who created scars that may never heal. They are the reasons I have become the person I am today. If I was able to speak to at least one of them, I would let them know that I feel sorry for them. Why? Because they will never understand that people are human beings that feel emotions and hold on to memories, and every single person they have hurt will always remember what they did and every single word they said. Karma...Believe in it.

The Battle

Just be yourself they say....who am I?

Battles between fear and the real me, I'm not sure what direction to go.

Being ever so careful just so that what I touch won't break apart.

Just thinking of what I should be and not be makes me tired.

Why can't I just go back to the past when I felt so sure of who I was supposed to be?

Erase everyone and everything that molded me into the person who fears to live life to the fullest. 

Silence the voices that tell me what I should do and shouldn't do.

I just want to find me again.

I just want to be me again.

Hidden Pages

   

    Yes I know I used to have a lot more posts on here, but now that I have managed to get my head out of my ass, I figured...why not just start the fuck over on this with a new mind set. So that is what I am going to do.

    Today I was reading this story on Reddit about a guy who has never dated anyone or never really had much of a social life due to his abusive past and the life he had lived up until now. He noted towards the end of his story that there was a girl he worked with that he felt he actually liked. He said she was the only person to make him not feel numb and invisible to the world, something no one had ever done for him before. Besides that point, he mentioned he would never dare tell her the truth about his dark past, because he did not want her to stick around to pity him if something were to go wrong, or feel obligated to stay around because she didn't want to hurt him in the future. His story got me thinking about life and the people around us.

    It made me really realize, no one will ever know the real story about who we are as individuals. We have the power to decide what and what not to tell people about our life. Because of this simple fact, I am not the type of person who likes to judge people or think I know what they are going through, because you know what? I don't. That is where the whole saying"Never judge someone until you have taken a walk in their shoes" ( if that is even how you fucking phrase it), comes into play. But you know, no one will ever fully get the opportunity to take the true steps in someone else shoes ever.

    I have had plenty of experiences with people where they might have said something to me that made me feel uncomfortable or thought they knew what I was going through, where I just thought to myself, "If you only knew". People might think that they understand you but they really don't. Everyone has their own story, their own secrets, a separate life from the one others can see. Sure we might all have shared experiences that were similar to others, but we also lived those experiences in different ways than others might have. 

    I have learned in life to think before I say or act, because I never know when something I say or do could affect another person in some way I am not aware of. We are all walking books that carry hidden pages inside, and all of them have stories no one will ever know about.